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Inside of my head
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "cupidangel214" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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11:06 pm
[Link] | I hate these dreary days when it all seems worthless and I'd just rather die. It's not that I'm depressed, I'm just void of all emotion. I'm not sure what has brought this on, but I am fading. I feel used up...nothing remains, like a shell. I'm dying...or so it seems (and I mean that metaphorically). And shamefully, I've found myself pondering about my relationship and it's guaranteed success, or success at all. I love Lamar with all that I am, but sometimes I feel as though he's falling away from me, as though I don't possess what it was that captivated him before. In fact I know that I don't. And I'm not sure how to get it back, or if I can. I guess I'm just tired right now, but I was wondering...we always tell each other that it'll be easier and it will be better, but will it, when? We keep pushing it back and nothing changes, and it seems as though the more time I spend with him the more I drain him too. I just seem to be some sort of disease. He use to tell me that I was made for him and he was made to have me, now that my shine has dulled, he says that he was made to be alone. So I wonder, can this really all work out? Or more pertinent, should it? If he's pulling away why should I keep trying to hold him close? All I'm doing is suffocating him.
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11:52 pm
[Link] | I can't be losing sleep
over this, no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing
cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening
this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse
down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening, yeah
cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
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01:15 pm
[Link] | There are times even now that I feel alone.
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05:57 pm
[Link] | I hate the bad days, the days I don’t want to get out of bed, the days when effort seems impossible, the days when I shiver no matter how warm the sheets are. Today is a day like that. And I try to smile, to be grateful, to laugh, but they are hollow. These are the days I miss him the most. The days I know I won’t get to talk to him much. It’s not that I even do much of the talking…I just love to listen to him. Today I feel as though I am smothered by all of the work still needed to be accomplished. And I just can’t bring myself to do it. Today I want to hide beneath my pillows, pretend that I don’t exist. School seems to be not worth the time. I just want to dream of him. Oh well…
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12:06 pm
[Link] | He is astounding. I am so in love that I feel as though the heavens have split open and glitter has been sprinkled over my world. There are so many little things that I just adore. We were lying together and his eyes were closed, I was just watching him, and he caught my gaze and my eyes welled up because I was so happy…so happy with him. Even now, remembering, warm tears leave wet trails on my cheeks. I never thought I’d be happy…but God didn’t forget me. I’ve learned that the best things are the ones you have to wait for; the victory is sweet after the struggle. When I was young I couldn’t understand why God plagued my world with floods of sorrow. I couldn’t see what I’d done wrong, what I was repenting for, why I’d never find love. I begged God to have made me a mate, a friend I could talk to, someone who could understand my thoughts, someone I could feel connected to, someone to depend on, just someone to make me smile. Prayers don’t go unanswered. They just may seem to take an eternity. God is good to me. He gave me more than I’d ever dreamed of.
Lamar is my world, the sun in my day and the stars in my night. I love the way he looks at me, almost like I’m not real, and if he tears his eyes away I might just disappear. I love it because that’s the way I look at him. I am always amazed that someone so good, could love someone like me. I love the way he holds me, the way he breathes me in. I love his sweet kisses and the perfect words he always says. He makes me speechless.
Last night he told me that he’d looked at engagement rings…I didn’t know what to say. It was just this moment of astonishment. It’s not that we don’t speak of marriage and I already consider him my husband it’s just… I am always amazing that he chose me. I feel so honored, so proud. It’s not that I don’t care about wedding rings, they are beautiful, and I’ve looked at them before. It’s just more about the promise that is made. And I’ve already made that promise. For all eternity.
My parents are becoming aggravating. They keep clawing at the back of my neck. They make me sick. Next year I am going to live in Columbus with Lamar. And my parents don’t really support it- they don’t think I’ll be concentrated, they think it’s too far to drive, and it’ll be too great a strain on Lamar and my relationship. But we are going to make it, with or without their support. We have finally been brought together and nothing will separate us. I have to live with him, for my sanity…I feel so lost without him. Hopefully my parents will give in and not completely alienate me. I need their help financially right now; I really need my car, or a car. But I fear not, it will all work out.
I miss him so much, just so much. He is my every thought and I dream of the next moment when I can run my fingers through his hair, press my body against his. I dream of our next kiss.
I love you Lamar, with every ounce of energy this body of mine has. You are my dream. We can’t be together soon enough.
xoxo, Jess
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11:21 am
[Link] | Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
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03:23 pm
[Link] | This is not so much an entry as a farewell…to the life I lived…to who I was. I have changed since I’ve started this journal…I found who I was…what I was hiding from. This journal has been my most intimate of friends and has served as a great tool to vent the frustrations and thoughts that I was too concerned to burden others with. Of course I will continue a journal or a diary…but it will not be open to public review. I was walking through a tunnel and I’ve finally reached the end and I no longer need this journal to hold my hand. I thank all of you who took the time to read my monotonous babble and wish you all the best of luck.
Happy birthday baby! I love you.
Adieu...adieu.
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01:17 pm
[Link] | I cannot hate my mother. Despite the arguments and despite the degradation I cannot hate her. It is because I loved her, as a child i loved her...and those memories remain. I've been through a lot in my life and some of that I place the blame on her...but she was still there if I ever really needed her. she would have given her life for me...and I cannot hate her for that. Despite our relationship I will always be her child...she may not be my friend but I am her daughter. Her actions are out of love for me...and it pains me to think it. She wanted to posses all of me... she couldn't let go and there made her mistake. I do not agree with her actions...but she knows this. Her eyes are finally opened and she now sees that it is time to let go...to support my decisions instead of trying to make them for me. She knows I love Lamar and she won't take that away...it's what she's always wanted for me...this was all like a test. She often comes off as a bitch. But she has done so much for my sister and me. My mother gave up everything for us. She has struggled for us. My father was not always financially stable and even now my sister and I have the excess that we do because my mother sacrifices what she has for us. My mother doesn't wear expensive clothes and only has an expensive purse because it was a gift. And the only thing she's really ever done for herself was go back to college and complete her degree. Granted she made sure we were aware...she loves the pity...and it makes me disgusted and she will never see me pity her. Call me weak..call me stupid but I cannot hate my mother.... We are not as close as we were and we will never be that close again but I cannot hate her.
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11:22 am
[Link] | My ma-ma just left to go back to Blakely...but I guess I'll see her in a couple of days...and this time I won't have to come back to Miami. So I'm home alone for the most of today too.
I have felt exhausted lately and I've been falling asleep fairly early...and some times I don't even realize it. Like yesterday afternoon I was sitting outside while I was waiting for people to come to my yard sale and I sorta black out and the next thing I know ma-ma is next to me with her hand on my back asking if anyone come by. And then last night...I wasn't even sleepy. I was all energized doing push ups and my nightly weightlifting and I turn out the lights and lie down and look at the time on the phone turn off the ringer so it wouldn't wake the house and the next thing I know I wake up at 6:30. I felt terrible because I'd said I'd be up late. I should have turned on a movie...that's what I'd intended to do...or at least not turned off the ringer. thinking about it makes me frustrated.
Actually I am completely frustrated today. My ma-ma can tell too. She said to remain calm these last few days...that I wouldn't have to be here much longer. I am sick of this house...sick of the people in it. And in the last few days my parents have been nice. At least more of the time than they are unfair. They honestly have issues. But I'm moving on with my life...and this is not to say that I will never see them again or speak to them again...because I will. Unless they do something particularly aggravating...at that point I'll have to cut ties. I just won't bother myself with them any longer. I won't have to. My mom once told me to never be around people that bring you down or make you feel bad...how she'd hate if I turned that against her. But she has been becoming softer...especially towards topics dealing with Lamar. She asks me how he is and what he plans on doing for his birthday...and what i'm going to get him. And she's sincere this time. She surprisingly is sincere. Maybe she's changing...or changed. I think she's realized she's judged too harshly. Of course she won't admit that right yet...because it is a blow to your pride. The way I see it though...it's all a matter of perspective. I may think the color is red and someone else might think it's orange. I guess what I'm trying to say is that opinions are opinions...and everyone will have their own...so I just let people think what they want and just notify them that it is their opinion and I have my own differing opinion and neither of us is right or wrong we are just different. But that's the problem with opinions...they seem so set in stone. If someone says something one day it may not be how they feel the next. Opinions wane...that is their problem. So I'm content just to concern myself with me and my own.
I want to be with him terribly. Yesterday at the gym this couple was working out and they looked so happy...then I looked around the gym and saw so many other happy couples...it made me a bit sick...i guess I felt it's not fair...
I wonder though...how it's going to be. He's used to spend all this time with his buddies...but i guess now he has to put me in the mix of it all too. It's that whole 'I'm a burden' complex. I guess I don't want him to feel obligated to spend time with me...that's not how relationships work. It's not supposed to feel like an obligation.
xoxo
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06:21 pm
[Link] | I forced myself to get up at dawn to set up for my yard sale. It rained on and off all day but I sold a surprising bit of my junk. I didn't make as much as I hope because my prices were so low but it was good. Now i feel exhausted but I know I need to go to the gym. i really just want to lie in bed and talk to Lamar. But if I stay in this house I really need to clean. I am missing my sister's dance recital as I write. I don't know why I am not going. I am proud of her. I am. But I just didn't want to go there and stomach the failure I'd feel when I look up on stage and realize that I gave up, I dropped out.
May time pass quickly.
I can't believe that I'm grown...what I've dreamed of is approaching and time just gains speed. Why is it that we rush it? yes i can't wait until life has finally calmed itself but why am I rushing through the now? We honestly don't have enough time. It's never enough.
Why are people so hateful? We laugh at jokes about the war. But where is the logic? Why must people be inclined to hate?
I look at all these celebrity women and how sickly thin they are all becoming. I can't believe I wanted to look like that once. Not that I am in support of obesity by any means...but why completely starve yourself to the point of sheer exhaustion?
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04:21 pm
[Link] | i found a journal that I kept early in the year...I was surprised at what I'd written. It made all of the feelings rush back again...I'm going to write on here the pieces I wrote about Lamar.
"We both share the same soul, just two separate bodies. Our minds are alike which is what matters most. The body will wither away but the mind will remain." August 30, 2004
"I take the plunge into the sea only hoping to be caught by you. Take me and hold me in your arms because once I fall if you are not there I will cry. The mountain of hope that I'd built will crumble into the fading tide. If you're not there to take my hand I know I'll not survive." September 10, 2004
"It seems as though he is all around me, but I don't know why. I see a car like his and I think of him or I laugh and I think of our many hours on the phone. I haven't spoken to him in a week but my heart grows faint and my stomach drops when I think that soon I have to speak to him. How am I to tell him that he's all I wanted." September 15, 2004
"I'm haunted by the ghost of your smile, by the echo of your laugh, by the low roll of your voice. I'm afraid to open my eyes, the dream feels too real. The warmth of your hand, your vibrant aura. i stand alone in a dark room and feel you...your breath on my neck, your body inches from mine. And I quickly close my eyes hoping to be taken away from this darkness, this cold pain. The hard truth that you are far away in mind and body. But you gave yourself to me once and I wished it away, too afraid to be given so much responsibility. It's what I begged you for and my cowardice made run from it. And now I am left with nothing but the cold tile to lie with. I am so sorry. I cannot say how sorry I am. Now all I can do is move away. Away from you. Please leave me, please God I beg that you allow me to forget him. I cannot fight. My strategy was wrong and I've already lost the war. The sun has set on our story and oh how dark is the sky. i cannot even see the stars and the moon is awfully gray. Our memories will be buried in my heart. I will never tell. They are drowned in its ocean. i seal our past with a kiss and that will be all. I zip up my jacket and pull up the hood." October 13, 2004
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10:19 am
[Link] | Time has passed both so quickly and so slowly. I look at all of these pictures of me as a child and I can remember taking them all and it seems so far away yet also as though it weren’t far at all. As I sat on stage at graduation I looked out into the audience at all of the seniors and some of them I’ve known since I was in the third grade, and one I’ve known since Kindergarten…I was amazed at how we’d finished this part of life. It’s really the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end. I’m going to drink in this next half of my life. I’m not going to try to rush through it. Even though I want out of college because school is such a waste of time…all the same I’m going to live out every moment because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. And that is what is always said and rarely realized. As is true with all “wisdom” and cliché bits of advice. But here I found a list of 21 things to live by as I was cleaning my room and decided that I’m going to post it.
1. Give people mare than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, and sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you”, mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10.In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11.Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12.Talk slowly but think quickly.
13.When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14.Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15.Say, “Bless you”, when you hear someone sneeze.
16.When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
17.Remember the three R’s:
Respect for self
Respect for others
Responsibility for all your actions
18.Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19.When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20.Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21.Spend some time alone
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06:03 pm
[Link] | I know that I really don’t deserve him…I don’t deserve his kindness. I feel so terrible…He means the world to me…and I just don’t know what I’d do without him now…but I was different then…I was cold then…I almost wish I hadn’t known him then so that would have prevented hurting him…but I wouldn’t have changed if I hadn’t have known him then…he changed me…and I am forever grateful…I needed him then…Sometimes I wonder if my father is not right and the baggage too heavy…the start too rocky. But he honestly is perfect. I feel him made for me…he fits with me. And I don’t want to let that go. But sorry doesn’t cut it…and there is no way to erase the past. Why must my life be so complicated?
He just makes me the happiest person…I love every ounce of him. I wish it had all been perfect but that’s not how life has ever been for me…
I almost wish we could start over and that I would have had him from the beginning…
i know i was wrong
for treating you the way i did (the way i did)
i have so much on my mind
i didn't know where you fit in (where you fit in)
and if i could do it all over again (again)
i'll never treat you that way
(i'll never treat you that way again)
i apologize for the pain that i caused
and i just wanna say (i just wanna say)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did (i didn't mean it baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
when i close my eyes
i think of how it used to be (used to be)
that's when i realized
just how much you mean to me (you mean to me)
a second chance is all that i need (i need)
to change what's wrong and make it right
(to change what's wrong and make it right)
a fool i was to let you slip away (away)
when i know i need you in my life (need you in my life)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did
(i didn't mean to hurt you baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
and i know everytime (everytime)
everytime i treated you unkind (so unkind)
you still gave your best to me (to me)
i'll do anything to get you back in to my life
i need to hold you again (hold you)
kiss you again (kiss you)
make love to you (love you)
and i'll do it again (to you)
listen to me (listen to me)
i'm down on my knees (down on my knees)
can we start over again (can we start over)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so sorry)
for treating you the way i did
(i didn't mean to hurt you baby)
i'm sorry (i'm sorry)
so sorry (so so sorry)
for leaving you the way i did
you gotta believe me when i say that
i'm sorry (so sorry)
so sorry
for treating you (for treating you the way i did)
i'll never never never hurt you again
i'm sorry (so sorry)
for leaving you ( for leaving you the way i did)
i'm sorry baby
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05:15 pm
[Link] | I know my last entry sounded completely depressing…and I am sorry if I worried any of you. It was just one of those days.
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03:58 pm
[Link] | I am confused…I asked “God” to come and show me his will and all I feel is more confused…I realize that I don’t know what I want in life…for a few days I have been on a decent…I have been second guessing myself…I don’t want to be wrong. And I can’t change myself…I won’t change myself…and that pride may indeed be my downfall.
I feel like I’m falling and I don’t know if someone is there to catch me…I haven’t been sad in so long…but here I am sad once more and for no reason…I have everything I thought I wanted…or do I? Why do I feel as though my life is falling apart in my hands? Why don’t the pieces fit? Who am I? What do I want? I have these weak spells where no matter how bright the sun shines my world seems awfully dark. Sometimes the feeling lasts hours…other times days…and sometimes even months. It is so much easier for me to live alone...that is how my life was intended to be led. I was not wrong…I am too unstable and was meant to cope with the issues on my own. This time I’m not going to pretend as though I am happy…people will know something is wrong…I wish I knew what has brought this on…what I do know though, is that it’s not easily going to go away. I am not myself…and I am not who people want me to be…
Still I am selfish…and I don’t want to let him go…even though I know it would be in his best interests not to be forced to deal with me. He shouldn’t have to walk through this with me…he doesn’t deserve that punishment.
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03:33 pm
[Link] | I don't want to be your whole life...just your favorite part.
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02:53 pm
[Link] | I'm slipping back into the shadows...
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02:12 pm
[Link] | Maybe it is possible to love someone too much…I hadn’t thought much on it before…but maybe it is so…I just have just always believed that if you are going to love there is no use doing it half way…therefore nothing is spared. It is why I never wanted to fall in love…I knew that it would be completely…I would give up all that I am if it be necessary. I would do anything and there is where I may be at fault.
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04:45 pm
[Link] | Here I am at home alone on a rainy day…actually it’s not just raining…but storming. I love the melancholy atmosphere on days like today…I’ve tired of the constant sun. And I miss him…so much it hurts…. I’m going to head back to finish up the gifts for my teachers…can’t wait to graduate on Wednesday morning….I’m ready
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10:33 pm
[Link] | I’ve always had trouble telling people what I think or allowing my feelings to be seen…but it can hurt…people can believe that you don’t or didn’t care…but I do let it slip subtly…I am a simple, quite person…I could exist on a quite cloud with music to freeze time…I am just happy to be…especially with him…sometimes I’ll look at him and want to hold the moment as a picture…even in the more serious times…I wake up every morning and lie staring at the ceiling unable to comprehend how lucky I am…with him I am pregnant with joy. An ecstasy of smiles…I know he notices sometimes…when I just stare…I’m sure he feels uneasy because he’ll ask why I look at him like that and it’s because I can’t believe he is real…I’m afraid if I tear my eyes away he will disappear. Besides who would want to quit looking at something so wonderful? But I often feel shadowed by him…I want to better myself because I feel that he deserves so much more than I can offer…I see him as a movie star- this perfect picture book man- and I want to at least be worth enough to stand by his side and hopefully one day become as bright a star as he.
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